525,600 minutes

1 year = 12 months = 52 weeks = 365 days = 8760 hours = 525,600 minutes = 31,536,000 seconds

No matter how you say it, it all adds up to missing you... 

November 1, 2016 marks 1 year since my grandfather went to be with the Lord and I would be lying if I were to say that I don't think about him since there's not a single day that goes by that he doesn't come to mind. There are still many days where I regret not being able to be around more often and missing many moments with my grandfather. 

I still find myself at times being resentful for the moments that I missed that the rest of my family got to experience with my grandfather and being at times angry that God brought me to Texas. I still don;t understand why I couldn't have been home when he passed away, I don't understand why I couldn't tell him goodbye, I don't understand why I had to miss out on so much but one thing keeps me going and that is the fact that I know my grandfather is with the Lord.

I know that my grandfather was proud of what I was doing, for graduating college and making something of myself and I find myself continuing to push forward to get my masters because I know that he would be proud of me doing so. 

While I feel like I missed out on a lot, I have many memories that I won't allow to leave. I will never forget spending spring break in Okeechobee Florida, driving the pontoon boat, going fishing, staying the night at my grandparents house, playing in the barn, helping with the garden, hanging out on the front porch, going out to eat, etc. 

It's those memories that I need to continue to cherish and hold onto and know that my grandfather is watching over me... On Halloween I saw a black cat and while most of the time, it's said to be bad luck for a black cat to cross your path but it's also said that if you see a black cat on Halloween, then it means that a deceased love one spirit is watching over you and I know that to be true. 

Yes, I still ache and miss my grandfather daily, I still find myself in moments of tears and grieving my grandfathers passing, I still resent not being home to tell him goodbye and that I love him, I still find myself wishing that I could have one more day with him and could talk to him but...

not a night goes by that I don't look up in the sky to find a star to know that my grandfather is still with me and watching over me. I believe that I can still speak to my grandfather everyday and while I may not hear his voice or get a response from him, I know that he hears me and is with me...

I don't think the pain will ever go away and I know that it's going to be a hard day to get through and that no matter how hard I try to escape the day, stay busy, or keep my mind off of things... I know that my grandfather is ALWAYS on my mind and it's going to be hard to get through so, if you see me tomorrow (November 1) please be patient with me and know that I am holding in pain and still grieving the loss of someone that I truly cared about and miss and things haven't been the same since his passing...

I miss you grandpa and I will continue to miss you and think of you every day. No matter how many days pass, the pain is still there and I wish I could have told you goodbye. Please help me and everyone else get through the day and to know that you are watching over us and with us.

I love and miss you and I can't wait to be reunited with you again someday... A lot has happened in the past year and I hope that I'm making you proud every day and that you are having a feast in Heaven... 

I don't know how I am going to make it through the day but I ask that you walk alongside me tomorrow and help me to know your presence!