525,600 minutes

1 year = 12 months = 52 weeks = 365 days = 8760 hours = 525,600 minutes = 31,536,000 seconds

No matter how you say it, it all adds up to missing you... 

November 1, 2016 marks 1 year since my grandfather went to be with the Lord and I would be lying if I were to say that I don't think about him since there's not a single day that goes by that he doesn't come to mind. There are still many days where I regret not being able to be around more often and missing many moments with my grandfather. 

I still find myself at times being resentful for the moments that I missed that the rest of my family got to experience with my grandfather and being at times angry that God brought me to Texas. I still don;t understand why I couldn't have been home when he passed away, I don't understand why I couldn't tell him goodbye, I don't understand why I had to miss out on so much but one thing keeps me going and that is the fact that I know my grandfather is with the Lord.

I know that my grandfather was proud of what I was doing, for graduating college and making something of myself and I find myself continuing to push forward to get my masters because I know that he would be proud of me doing so. 

While I feel like I missed out on a lot, I have many memories that I won't allow to leave. I will never forget spending spring break in Okeechobee Florida, driving the pontoon boat, going fishing, staying the night at my grandparents house, playing in the barn, helping with the garden, hanging out on the front porch, going out to eat, etc. 

It's those memories that I need to continue to cherish and hold onto and know that my grandfather is watching over me... On Halloween I saw a black cat and while most of the time, it's said to be bad luck for a black cat to cross your path but it's also said that if you see a black cat on Halloween, then it means that a deceased love one spirit is watching over you and I know that to be true. 

Yes, I still ache and miss my grandfather daily, I still find myself in moments of tears and grieving my grandfathers passing, I still resent not being home to tell him goodbye and that I love him, I still find myself wishing that I could have one more day with him and could talk to him but...

not a night goes by that I don't look up in the sky to find a star to know that my grandfather is still with me and watching over me. I believe that I can still speak to my grandfather everyday and while I may not hear his voice or get a response from him, I know that he hears me and is with me...

I don't think the pain will ever go away and I know that it's going to be a hard day to get through and that no matter how hard I try to escape the day, stay busy, or keep my mind off of things... I know that my grandfather is ALWAYS on my mind and it's going to be hard to get through so, if you see me tomorrow (November 1) please be patient with me and know that I am holding in pain and still grieving the loss of someone that I truly cared about and miss and things haven't been the same since his passing...

I miss you grandpa and I will continue to miss you and think of you every day. No matter how many days pass, the pain is still there and I wish I could have told you goodbye. Please help me and everyone else get through the day and to know that you are watching over us and with us.

I love and miss you and I can't wait to be reunited with you again someday... A lot has happened in the past year and I hope that I'm making you proud every day and that you are having a feast in Heaven... 

I don't know how I am going to make it through the day but I ask that you walk alongside me tomorrow and help me to know your presence!

Going to bat for the defenseless

Since I began my seminary journey and was discerning what track to strive for, I have often been asked when I tell people that I am a social justice major, "what does that mean"? And "what do you want to do with that"?

If asked that when I first began down this path I would have responded by saying something like, "I want to continue doing what I am doing in the non-profit world and I want to be the voice to those who feel like they don't have a voice and be of support to those who need someone to lean on."

Since it's hard to define what social justice is, I took to the Internet to find a good definition and found the following description for social justice:

"Social justice is defined as "... promoting a just society by challenging injustice and valuing diversity." It exists when "all people share a common humanity and therefore have a right to equitable treatment, support for their human rights, and a fair allocation of community resources." In conditions of social justice, people are "not be discriminated against, nor their welfare and well-being constrained or prejudiced on the basis of gender, sexuality, religion, political affiliations, age, race, belief, disability, location, social class, socioeconomic circumstances, or other characteristic of background or group membership" (Toowoomba Catholic Education, 2006).

Being that my undergrad major was in Spanish, I have always had a heart for the Latin American culture and heritage and I find myself, even more so since being in Texas these past 3 years, in defense mode when it comes to the rights of the Spanish speaking population. It has been during the past 3 years that I have truly obtained experience with working directly with the Spanish speaking population and more recently, I have found myself heart broken for the lack of understanding for this population that is growing in the United States. I have found myself wanting to fight for and stand up for them when others want to turn them down.

So, what don't want to do with this degree in social justice? I want to love on those who are punches aside and persecuted for being different than we are, I want to be the voice for those who may not feel like they have a voice in our society, I want to be a mediator between the oppressed and the oppressor, I want to be the support for someone to lean on, I want to be a listener when nobody else will listen...

I want to be someone who makes a difference, maybe not to the world but to one person and one family at a time. And I think that's where God is leading me and showing me, that I have these different passions and desires but the big questions has been, "how do they all fit together?"

But, I have a passion for community organizing/ development, for pastoral care and chaplaincy, for mentors hip and one on one relationships, for Spanish/ Spanish speaking population and Latin America, for serving others, for walking with others in both good and bad times, and ultimately for serving God...

So, as I am still asked at times, "what is my ideal job and what do I want to do with my degrees?" I have to answer with, doing the things of my passions which little by little the pieces are starting to be put together and the picture is becoming more visible and clear on how all of the pieces fit together and where it is that God wants me.

Life's Unexpected Turns

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless

~God of this city by Christ Tomlin

Build Your kingdom here
Let the darkness fear
Show Your mighty hand
Heal our streets and land
Set Your church on fire
Win this nation back
Change the atmosphere
Build Your kingdom here
We pray

~Build Your Kingdom here by Rend Collective

God has a sense of humor. Over these past 8 months since I ended my missionary assignment as a US-2 young adult missionary, a lot has changed and continue to change. I ended my time of service and entered into seminary where I was going to change my original degree in order to obtain a Master of Divinity degree as well as seek ordination as a deacon in the Methodist Church. I also changed job positions since I remained working with my placement site but was no longer working as a community and youth coordinator, but was working as the Apricot data base outcome manager/ analyst.

During these past 8 months, I also had to deal with the passing away of my grandfather on November 1^st. With his passing, I began to look into other seminaries and ways to return closer to home. Therefore, I ended up applying to Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary for their Master Degree in Pastoral Care and Counseling since I was wanting to become a hospital chaplain. I was admitted into the program beginning fall 2016 which would be this August. However, life has unexpected turns and outcomes.

I found myself resenting having to move from Texas to go to Illinois where Garrett is located. I also found myself getting more involved with Perkins and not wanting to leave the community that I had begun to develop over the past couple of months. I also found myself beginning to question if I was truly on the right path or if I had rushed into some things. This feeling of resent and making the wrong choice kept following me around and I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that things had changed.

I later found myself leaving my job as the Apricot data based outcome manager/ analyst in order to prepare to move and finish out my first year of seminary. However, during this time I found myself in a discernment process and continuing to ask if I was on the right path or not. I later found myself facing a major decision on a possible job opportunity or continuing to move to Garrett. It was during this time, within the past 2 weeks, that I found myself realizing that I may have been detouring from the path God had planned for me.

You see, I found myself truly examining why I was leaving. While I do miss family and it would be great being closer to family and  friends in Indiana, I found myself in a place of finally admitting that I may have rushed into applying to Garrett and that it was done in a time of grieving. I found myself in a place where I was hurting due to the passing of my grandfather and feeling like I had missed out on so many memories and moments with my grandfather that the rest of my family was able to have with him. I found myself being angry with myself for living 13 hours away and not being able to see my grandfather more often and I found myself fearful of the same thing happen all over again. All I could think of during this time was, “how can I be closer to family so next time there’s an emergency, I will be there in an instant and not miss out on memories and opportunities?” Yeah, I was allowing my grief to dictate my future.

However, with it being 6 months since the passing of my grandfather and hearing myself speaking those words out loud to someone I see as a mentor, that I realized that maybe I was on the wrong path. It was then that I found myself face to face with the possible job opportunity to do community engagement or still move to Garrett. I figured there would be no harm in applying and seeing where things took me so I applied and had an interview. It was during the interview that I again found myself verbally expressing why I was on the path I was on. I don’t recall what the question was but I found myself telling the interviewers something like this, “I have a passion for being there to help others and being present. It’s the reason I entered into seminary in the first place and wanted to pursue a Masters in Theology and Social Justice so that I could gain more education in order to help the community and residents more. I want to be the voice for those that don’t feel like they have a voice and be of assistance to those who may need a vision of hope.”

Yeah, the entire reason I began my seminary career wasn’t because I wanted to be ordained or become a chaplain but because I found myself broken for the 11 Dallas neighborhoods that I assisted in serving during my 2 year missionary assignment. It was because I found a passion for neighborhood community development that I never knew I had. I found myself wanting to do more and the only way I saw that happening was to pursue further education on the topic. So with that being said, I have found myself recently returning back to the “why” and pulling back from ordination and chaplaincy.

I will always have a desire to be present in a time of need and be a person that people can talk to and know will listen, no matter what’s happening. But that’s also a part of what community development is about, it’s about being present and building relationships and truly listening to what the needs of the people are. Too often as the church, we overlook and don’t take the time to look around us to see what the pressing needs are. We have become too concerned about numbers rather than being missional and going to where the people are. It has become about how many people come into a building once a week rather than building a relationship with them and doing life together.

The more this semester has gone on and over the past 8 months, I have realized that I want to be missional rather than being focused on numbers. Therefore, I truly believe that God has placed before me an opportunity that I couldn’t turn down that will allow me to continue growing, to continue trusting in Him, to use my undergrad degree in Spanish, and to be missional rather than being all about the numbers. While yes numbers are important, especially in a non-profit, but being sincere and truly listening to people is also important and that’s what people will remember in the end. It’s about the stories and about lives being impacted, not about the numbers.  

Therefore, as Christ Tomlin says “Greater thing have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in this city” and I believe that God’s not done with me in TX and still has greater things to be done!