It's been
a week of ministry training so far and to be honest, I am overwhelmed. I came
into training thinking that it wouldn't be draining, spiritually and personally
challenging, or exhausting due to my past experience with conferences but I was
completely wrong.
So far, I
have been challenged to examine myself to see the biases that I may have toward
people but not even realize. Honestly, I almost always considered myself to be
"color blind" and even after taking a multicultural class where w
were asked to wrestle with this, I truly didn't take a look at who I was or how
I saw things. Being here at training after talking about an issue that embraced
color of people, I started to see that I was guilty of this very thing. Yes, I
love everyone but after looking back at myself and examining who I am, I
realized that I do see color and I categorize people. This breaks me since this
is not what God wants. It was easier in some sense to live these past 22 years
as If I we're "color blind" but God revealed to me this fault and
it's something that will need to be worked through.
I will be
working with the Hispanic population and possibly African American population
while in Texas. My heart and passion is in working with the Hispanic population
but there is so much that I don't know and can't relate to due to being white.
Color is a very real thing and even if you say that everyone is the same and we
should see people as people, it's not that easy. Trust me, I used to think the
same thing and this realization is hard to grasp and understand. I don't know
why God created me to be a white female and have white privilege but He did and
that's something I can't change since its permanent. I will be working in a
community where I will be learning from them since there is a lot that I don't
know and will never know the full extent of pain/ hurt/ past that they have
experienced and even though I wish I were going in on even/equal levels, I'm
not because of the color of my skin and how I have grown up.
So,
that's been one challenge and realization I have had I come to terms with and
finally understand what my multicultural counseling instructor was talking
about and trying to get across all of last semester.
Another
thing is that I have been challenged with that goes along with the above is
immigration and where I come from. Again I am white and with that comes
privilege that I can't control but my passion is with Hispanics and has been
for a long time now. I haven't really reflected on the question of where I am
from since its hard by hope to truly reflect on that at some point. But back to
immigration, I have taken many Spanish classes and read a lot on immigration
especially in terms of the Hispanic community but never saw a lot of things
actually happen. Being here in New York, I have been in contact and have seen
the injustice going on and it breaks me to the point that I could cry. Why is
there so much injustice to this community that I am passionate about? Why am I
white and don't face this type of injustice or false accusations? Where is God
at in the midst of the injustice going on in the Spanish speaking community and
other communities? How can I help and make a difference? These are all
questions that come to mind. I used to be blind to what was going on even after
reason about it but seeing the affects of what's going on and talking to people
that face this injustice breaks me. So that's another challenge I have had to
face since I am passionate about this specific community and I want to reach
out to them and make a difference.
Today we
talked about giving and receiving and it seemed to be a concessions that many
people prefer to give rather than to receive. I have always been a giver, (a
giver of my time, resources, helper, etc) but starts to realize today the
importance of receiving as well. When leaving for Texas, I won't only be giving
to the community that I am working in but I will also have to receive from
them. As I have mentioned the community I am going to be entering into has
stuff to teach me since it is a different living and community context than my
own. It's hard to receive but when we give, we feel accomplished/ good/ etc so
if we give all the time and don't receive then we are depriving others from the
same feeling we at when we give.
Lastly
for the time being, today we talked about calling and I know in my heart and
through much discernment and confirmation from others that I am in the right
place. God never promised this to be an easy journey and at first I thought I
was going to be easy but after this 1st week, I am realizing how much injustice
is truly going on (not only over seas but here in the United States) and I
break for what's going on. It reminded me of the song that says (break my heart
for what breaks yours).
This
journey is hard and I had wanted to leave the country but after this week, I am
glad that God has placed me in the United States since there is a lot of
injustice and hurt right in our own backyards. It's going to be a challenging 2
years but I look forward to being challenged even more, examining myself to see
my faults and blind spots, and growing closer to God and living among the
injustice so that I may gain a better understanding of what the persecuted populations
are dealing with and in return hope to make a difference and reach the
community and show them Gods love for them.
Gods at
work and I look forward to the rest of the training a well as the 2 years in
Texas!
Thanks
for the prayers so far, continued prayers are appreciated as I continue this
journey with God, the other YAM's, and myself.
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