Week 1 of training and challenges

It's been a week of ministry training so far and to be honest, I am overwhelmed. I came into training thinking that it wouldn't be draining, spiritually and personally challenging, or exhausting due to my past experience with conferences but I was completely wrong.

So far, I have been challenged to examine myself to see the biases that I may have toward people but not even realize. Honestly, I almost always considered myself to be "color blind" and even after taking a multicultural class where w were asked to wrestle with this, I truly didn't take a look at who I was or how I saw things. Being here at training after talking about an issue that embraced color of people, I started to see that I was guilty of this very thing. Yes, I love everyone but after looking back at myself and examining who I am, I realized that I do see color and I categorize people. This breaks me since this is not what God wants. It was easier in some sense to live these past 22 years as If I we're "color blind" but God revealed to me this fault and it's something that will need to be worked through.

I will be working with the Hispanic population and possibly African American population while in Texas. My heart and passion is in working with the Hispanic population but there is so much that I don't know and can't relate to due to being white. Color is a very real thing and even if you say that everyone is the same and we should see people as people, it's not that easy. Trust me, I used to think the same thing and this realization is hard to grasp and understand. I don't know why God created me to be a white female and have white privilege but He did and that's something I can't change since its permanent. I will be working in a community where I will be learning from them since there is a lot that I don't know and will never know the full extent of pain/ hurt/ past that they have experienced and even though I wish I were going in on even/equal levels, I'm not because of the color of my skin and how I have grown up.

So, that's been one challenge and realization I have had I come to terms with and finally understand what my multicultural counseling instructor was talking about and trying to get across all of last semester.

Another thing is that I have been challenged with that goes along with the above is immigration and where I come from. Again I am white and with that comes privilege that I can't control but my passion is with Hispanics and has been for a long time now. I haven't really reflected on the question of where I am from since its hard by hope to truly reflect on that at some point. But back to immigration, I have taken many Spanish classes and read a lot on immigration especially in terms of the Hispanic community but never saw a lot of things actually happen. Being here in New York, I have been in contact and have seen the injustice going on and it breaks me to the point that I could cry. Why is there so much injustice to this community that I am passionate about? Why am I white and don't face this type of injustice or false accusations? Where is God at in the midst of the injustice going on in the Spanish speaking community and other communities? How can I help and make a difference? These are all questions that come to mind. I used to be blind to what was going on even after reason about it but seeing the affects of what's going on and talking to people that face this injustice breaks me. So that's another challenge I have had to face since I am passionate about this specific community and I want to reach out to them and make a difference.

Today we talked about giving and receiving and it seemed to be a concessions that many people prefer to give rather than to receive. I have always been a giver, (a giver of my time, resources, helper, etc) but starts to realize today the importance of receiving as well. When leaving for Texas, I won't only be giving to the community that I am working in but I will also have to receive from them. As I have mentioned the community I am going to be entering into has stuff to teach me since it is a different living and community context than my own. It's hard to receive but when we give, we feel accomplished/ good/ etc so if we give all the time and don't receive then we are depriving others from the same feeling we at when we give.

Lastly for the time being, today we talked about calling and I know in my heart and through much discernment and confirmation from others that I am in the right place. God never promised this to be an easy journey and at first I thought I was going to be easy but after this 1st week, I am realizing how much injustice is truly going on (not only over seas but here in the United States) and I break for what's going on. It reminded me of the song that says (break my heart for what breaks yours).

This journey is hard and I had wanted to leave the country but after this week, I am glad that God has placed me in the United States since there is a lot of injustice and hurt right in our own backyards. It's going to be a challenging 2 years but I look forward to being challenged even more, examining myself to see my faults and blind spots, and growing closer to God and living among the injustice so that I may gain a better understanding of what the persecuted populations are dealing with and in return hope to make a difference and reach the community and show them Gods love for them.

Gods at work and I look forward to the rest of the training a well as the 2 years in Texas!

Thanks for the prayers so far, continued prayers are appreciated as I continue this journey with God, the other YAM's, and myself.

Leaving the known behind

With there being a little less than 3 weeks before I leave for training for 3 weeks, I have been finding myself thinking about what I am leaving behind and my family. I have known all year that if I entered into ministry then I would be leaving my friends, family, and everything that I knew behind but it didn’t hit me until I was in the vehicle with my sister heading to my college roommates house for her wedding rehearsal. It was then that it truly dawned on me that I would be leaving my family and friends behind for 2 years. This is one of the harder parts of going into ministry since I have a 5 year old niece and nephew, a 4 year old nephew, and a almost 1 year old nephew and I have been around them since they were born.

Transitions are not always easy and people change and that struck me when I attended my college roommates, Brittney, wedding as a bridesmaid. I realized that she will be changing and that the times we had in college wouldn’t happen again. We wouldn’t be going to Chuck-E-Cheese in order to procrastinate from studying for finals, we wouldn’t be getting tax free food from the food courts on campus, we wouldn’t be living together, and we wouldn’t be seeing each other every day or at least every week. College was a great time and I enjoyed the memories that were made but I wish that I could continue living as I did in college. However, I am aware that we have graduated and that it’s time to go out into the world to make a difference. I was a member of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and the saying that they have is “students and faculty transformed, campuses renewed, and WORLD CHANGERS DEVEOLOPED.” Yeah, WORLD CHANGERS, but we can’t make a difference in the world or even in other states of the United States, as I will be doing unless we leave what we have known behind. But then again, it’s not saying goodbye and I am not loosing friends since as the Michael W. Smith song “Friends” says “Friends are friends forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them” and with technology these days, we will be able to stay connected and remain forever roomies or friends and family! However it’s still not easy.

After that realization and as the days come to an end and the day that I leave draws closer, I find myself not wanting to leave my family or friends but wanting to spend as much time as I can with them before I leave for 2 years. I guess you can say that I am finally realizing the importance and gift of family and friends.

I know that I am greatly going to miss my family since 2 years is a long time but I am also very much looking forward to and excited about the 2 years of working in Texas and doing ministry. This has been the calling on my life for a few years now and God has given me the opportunity to pursue that calling and see where things will take me. With having to leave my friends and family behind, there are some verses that come to mind where Jesus called His followers to leave things behind in order to follow Him.  The cost of following Jesus and saying yes to ministry is sacrificial and it’s not always going to be easy but God has promised that He will be our strength since He doesn’t expect us to make it on our own but with God, all things are possible and it’s very rewarding to follow Him and follow His calling and will for our lives. For me, that calling and will is ministry so I continue to say yes and rely on His strength and guidance.

"As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:57-62)

"Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)

“Peter tried another angle: “We left everything and followed you.” Jesus said, “Mark my words, no one who sacrifices house, brothers, sisters, mother, father, children, land—whatever—because of me and the Message will lose out. They’ll get it all back, but multiplied many times in homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and land—but also in troubles. And then the bonus of eternal life! This is once again the Great Reversal: Many who are first will end up last, and the last first.” (Mark 10:28-31)