525,600 minutes

1 year = 12 months = 52 weeks = 365 days = 8760 hours = 525,600 minutes = 31,536,000 seconds

No matter how you say it, it all adds up to missing you... 

November 1, 2016 marks 1 year since my grandfather went to be with the Lord and I would be lying if I were to say that I don't think about him since there's not a single day that goes by that he doesn't come to mind. There are still many days where I regret not being able to be around more often and missing many moments with my grandfather. 

I still find myself at times being resentful for the moments that I missed that the rest of my family got to experience with my grandfather and being at times angry that God brought me to Texas. I still don;t understand why I couldn't have been home when he passed away, I don't understand why I couldn't tell him goodbye, I don't understand why I had to miss out on so much but one thing keeps me going and that is the fact that I know my grandfather is with the Lord.

I know that my grandfather was proud of what I was doing, for graduating college and making something of myself and I find myself continuing to push forward to get my masters because I know that he would be proud of me doing so. 

While I feel like I missed out on a lot, I have many memories that I won't allow to leave. I will never forget spending spring break in Okeechobee Florida, driving the pontoon boat, going fishing, staying the night at my grandparents house, playing in the barn, helping with the garden, hanging out on the front porch, going out to eat, etc. 

It's those memories that I need to continue to cherish and hold onto and know that my grandfather is watching over me... On Halloween I saw a black cat and while most of the time, it's said to be bad luck for a black cat to cross your path but it's also said that if you see a black cat on Halloween, then it means that a deceased love one spirit is watching over you and I know that to be true. 

Yes, I still ache and miss my grandfather daily, I still find myself in moments of tears and grieving my grandfathers passing, I still resent not being home to tell him goodbye and that I love him, I still find myself wishing that I could have one more day with him and could talk to him but...

not a night goes by that I don't look up in the sky to find a star to know that my grandfather is still with me and watching over me. I believe that I can still speak to my grandfather everyday and while I may not hear his voice or get a response from him, I know that he hears me and is with me...

I don't think the pain will ever go away and I know that it's going to be a hard day to get through and that no matter how hard I try to escape the day, stay busy, or keep my mind off of things... I know that my grandfather is ALWAYS on my mind and it's going to be hard to get through so, if you see me tomorrow (November 1) please be patient with me and know that I am holding in pain and still grieving the loss of someone that I truly cared about and miss and things haven't been the same since his passing...

I miss you grandpa and I will continue to miss you and think of you every day. No matter how many days pass, the pain is still there and I wish I could have told you goodbye. Please help me and everyone else get through the day and to know that you are watching over us and with us.

I love and miss you and I can't wait to be reunited with you again someday... A lot has happened in the past year and I hope that I'm making you proud every day and that you are having a feast in Heaven... 

I don't know how I am going to make it through the day but I ask that you walk alongside me tomorrow and help me to know your presence!

Going to bat for the defenseless

Since I began my seminary journey and was discerning what track to strive for, I have often been asked when I tell people that I am a social justice major, "what does that mean"? And "what do you want to do with that"?

If asked that when I first began down this path I would have responded by saying something like, "I want to continue doing what I am doing in the non-profit world and I want to be the voice to those who feel like they don't have a voice and be of support to those who need someone to lean on."

Since it's hard to define what social justice is, I took to the Internet to find a good definition and found the following description for social justice:

"Social justice is defined as "... promoting a just society by challenging injustice and valuing diversity." It exists when "all people share a common humanity and therefore have a right to equitable treatment, support for their human rights, and a fair allocation of community resources." In conditions of social justice, people are "not be discriminated against, nor their welfare and well-being constrained or prejudiced on the basis of gender, sexuality, religion, political affiliations, age, race, belief, disability, location, social class, socioeconomic circumstances, or other characteristic of background or group membership" (Toowoomba Catholic Education, 2006).

Being that my undergrad major was in Spanish, I have always had a heart for the Latin American culture and heritage and I find myself, even more so since being in Texas these past 3 years, in defense mode when it comes to the rights of the Spanish speaking population. It has been during the past 3 years that I have truly obtained experience with working directly with the Spanish speaking population and more recently, I have found myself heart broken for the lack of understanding for this population that is growing in the United States. I have found myself wanting to fight for and stand up for them when others want to turn them down.

So, what don't want to do with this degree in social justice? I want to love on those who are punches aside and persecuted for being different than we are, I want to be the voice for those who may not feel like they have a voice in our society, I want to be a mediator between the oppressed and the oppressor, I want to be the support for someone to lean on, I want to be a listener when nobody else will listen...

I want to be someone who makes a difference, maybe not to the world but to one person and one family at a time. And I think that's where God is leading me and showing me, that I have these different passions and desires but the big questions has been, "how do they all fit together?"

But, I have a passion for community organizing/ development, for pastoral care and chaplaincy, for mentors hip and one on one relationships, for Spanish/ Spanish speaking population and Latin America, for serving others, for walking with others in both good and bad times, and ultimately for serving God...

So, as I am still asked at times, "what is my ideal job and what do I want to do with my degrees?" I have to answer with, doing the things of my passions which little by little the pieces are starting to be put together and the picture is becoming more visible and clear on how all of the pieces fit together and where it is that God wants me.

Life's Unexpected Turns

You're the Light in this darkness
You're the Hope to the hopeless
You're the Peace to the restless

~God of this city by Christ Tomlin

Build Your kingdom here
Let the darkness fear
Show Your mighty hand
Heal our streets and land
Set Your church on fire
Win this nation back
Change the atmosphere
Build Your kingdom here
We pray

~Build Your Kingdom here by Rend Collective

God has a sense of humor. Over these past 8 months since I ended my missionary assignment as a US-2 young adult missionary, a lot has changed and continue to change. I ended my time of service and entered into seminary where I was going to change my original degree in order to obtain a Master of Divinity degree as well as seek ordination as a deacon in the Methodist Church. I also changed job positions since I remained working with my placement site but was no longer working as a community and youth coordinator, but was working as the Apricot data base outcome manager/ analyst.

During these past 8 months, I also had to deal with the passing away of my grandfather on November 1^st. With his passing, I began to look into other seminaries and ways to return closer to home. Therefore, I ended up applying to Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary for their Master Degree in Pastoral Care and Counseling since I was wanting to become a hospital chaplain. I was admitted into the program beginning fall 2016 which would be this August. However, life has unexpected turns and outcomes.

I found myself resenting having to move from Texas to go to Illinois where Garrett is located. I also found myself getting more involved with Perkins and not wanting to leave the community that I had begun to develop over the past couple of months. I also found myself beginning to question if I was truly on the right path or if I had rushed into some things. This feeling of resent and making the wrong choice kept following me around and I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that things had changed.

I later found myself leaving my job as the Apricot data based outcome manager/ analyst in order to prepare to move and finish out my first year of seminary. However, during this time I found myself in a discernment process and continuing to ask if I was on the right path or not. I later found myself facing a major decision on a possible job opportunity or continuing to move to Garrett. It was during this time, within the past 2 weeks, that I found myself realizing that I may have been detouring from the path God had planned for me.

You see, I found myself truly examining why I was leaving. While I do miss family and it would be great being closer to family and  friends in Indiana, I found myself in a place of finally admitting that I may have rushed into applying to Garrett and that it was done in a time of grieving. I found myself in a place where I was hurting due to the passing of my grandfather and feeling like I had missed out on so many memories and moments with my grandfather that the rest of my family was able to have with him. I found myself being angry with myself for living 13 hours away and not being able to see my grandfather more often and I found myself fearful of the same thing happen all over again. All I could think of during this time was, “how can I be closer to family so next time there’s an emergency, I will be there in an instant and not miss out on memories and opportunities?” Yeah, I was allowing my grief to dictate my future.

However, with it being 6 months since the passing of my grandfather and hearing myself speaking those words out loud to someone I see as a mentor, that I realized that maybe I was on the wrong path. It was then that I found myself face to face with the possible job opportunity to do community engagement or still move to Garrett. I figured there would be no harm in applying and seeing where things took me so I applied and had an interview. It was during the interview that I again found myself verbally expressing why I was on the path I was on. I don’t recall what the question was but I found myself telling the interviewers something like this, “I have a passion for being there to help others and being present. It’s the reason I entered into seminary in the first place and wanted to pursue a Masters in Theology and Social Justice so that I could gain more education in order to help the community and residents more. I want to be the voice for those that don’t feel like they have a voice and be of assistance to those who may need a vision of hope.”

Yeah, the entire reason I began my seminary career wasn’t because I wanted to be ordained or become a chaplain but because I found myself broken for the 11 Dallas neighborhoods that I assisted in serving during my 2 year missionary assignment. It was because I found a passion for neighborhood community development that I never knew I had. I found myself wanting to do more and the only way I saw that happening was to pursue further education on the topic. So with that being said, I have found myself recently returning back to the “why” and pulling back from ordination and chaplaincy.

I will always have a desire to be present in a time of need and be a person that people can talk to and know will listen, no matter what’s happening. But that’s also a part of what community development is about, it’s about being present and building relationships and truly listening to what the needs of the people are. Too often as the church, we overlook and don’t take the time to look around us to see what the pressing needs are. We have become too concerned about numbers rather than being missional and going to where the people are. It has become about how many people come into a building once a week rather than building a relationship with them and doing life together.

The more this semester has gone on and over the past 8 months, I have realized that I want to be missional rather than being focused on numbers. Therefore, I truly believe that God has placed before me an opportunity that I couldn’t turn down that will allow me to continue growing, to continue trusting in Him, to use my undergrad degree in Spanish, and to be missional rather than being all about the numbers. While yes numbers are important, especially in a non-profit, but being sincere and truly listening to people is also important and that’s what people will remember in the end. It’s about the stories and about lives being impacted, not about the numbers.  

Therefore, as Christ Tomlin says “Greater thing have yet to come. And greater things are still to be done in this city” and I believe that God’s not done with me in TX and still has greater things to be done!

Where the Lord leads, I will go!

The LORD had said to Abram, "Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you. ~Genesis 12:1

2 years of being a young adult US-2 missionary is coming to an end and with that, I have received some questions as to what’s next and why I am doing some things. Before I get into the questions, let me say that these past 2 years of being in Texas has truly changed my perspective of what ministry looks like and what it truly means to do ministry with others. It has made me question and look back on mission trips and service projects that I have done in the past and truly examine if what I was doing was helping those we were serving or doing more harm.

These past 2 years has given me peace and clarity on what I left behind when I said yes to ministry and left the path of being a teacher. It has given me a new passion and desire to be among others and help the neighborhoods and residents that we serve. It has given me a new understanding of the importance and need for people to do ministry here in the United States and in our own backyards since there’s much work to be done here as well, not just over seas. And it has given me a chance to gain a better understanding of what ministry looks like for me and what my next steps ought to be.

These last 2 years have not happened by chance but God sent me here for a reason. And while there have been various times that I was ready to pack things up and move back home and end what I was doing, I know that God has strengthened me and given me new insight through the hard times and the frustration that I at times experienced. But again, God didn’t send me here by chance and it wasn’t a mistake that I ended up where I have been the past 2 years. I don’t regret anything that has happened these past 2 years.

However, there are currently a lot of uncertainties going through my mind and a sense of feeling that I could have and should do something to help make the upcoming transition smoother where there isn’t wondering of how things will get done or how things were done these past 2 years. There is honestly a sense of uneasiness that I am feeling that I wish I could overcome since I found a passion and desire to work in one the 2 departments and now I am transitioning where I honestly fear having a sense of loss for both that department and for where I know where a passion was found. At this point, I don’t know how to overcome these feelings and a sense of the unknown of what will happen… I feel broken and it's going to be hard to leave on Friday knowing that it's my last time being in the role that I have been in and knowing that things won't be the same afterwards… 

So, with that being said here are some questions I have been getting as well as their answers…

1. What’s next for me?

I will be going home to Indiana on Friday where I will spend a little over 2 weeks with my family and hopefully seeing friends and then I will be making the trip back to Dallas, TX where I will be attending Perkins School of Theology this fall and continuing to work part time with the Dallas Leadership Foundation but mainly working with our outcome base software program. So, I will be working with the organization I have been assigned to these past 2 years but in a different role and only part time due to going back to school for my masters degree.

2. Why am I staying in Texas and not returning home?

I absolutely miss family and friends back in Indiana and I don’t really have many friends or at least close friends in Texas so why wouldn’t I go back home? The honest answer is because God’s not finished with me here in Texas yet. I truly feel like my work in Texas isn’t done and I also feel like I am meant to attend Perkins which is here in Dallas. I am always going to miss family especially during holidays but as I titles this post, “where God leads, I will go” and I truly feel like He is calling me to remain where I am at. And in part, I don’t want to leave the organization I have been working with or my supervisor and have it where there’s a void that needs to be filled.

3. What does the future hold for me?

After completing seminary as well as hopefully completing the ordination track/ process, I am hoping to become an ordained deacon in the United Methodist Church with an ultimate desire to become a chaplain. However, I also hope to return to Costa Rica at some point (even if only for a couple of weeks) since there has been a longing inside me ever since I returned from study abroad that wants to return and however, God hasn’t called me in that direction and returning is the only way that I will truly be able to come to peace with the question of “what if?”

Transitions through ministry

Every time I have tried to blog, the words just never seemed to come. It’s hard to believe that my 2-year assignment is coming to an end on Friday and that I have less than a week left in my current ministry assignment. While every day may not have been the greatest, I do believe that it’s been through my experience with the Dallas Leadership Foundation that I gained a better understanding of what ministry looks like and the need for people to do ministry in our own backyards and in the United States.

While I know what’s next, there are still both fear and a lot of unknown. However, I know that with each next step that is taken, God is directing me to where I am ultimately meant to be. Therefore, if you were not already aware, I will be attending Perkins School of Theology in the fall and have begin the first steps in the discernment process of becoming an ordained deacon in the Methodist Church. I will also be continuing to work part time with my current placement site but in a different role.

Now, I am in the midst of transitions and having to overcome some hardships that come with the transitions… I'm trying to figure out how follow where my passions are and where things are taking me next. While I am staying in Dallas, I still need to figure out how to "leave well" since things will be different yet I know that with 1 week left, I need to figure out how to help make the transition the easiest for everyone yet I feel like I have not currently done this well…

With that being said, prayers are appreciated in the transition and for everyone that will be making transitions and changes as well...

Through my ministry journey these past 2 years, here are some take aways…

1. Ministry looks different day to day; there is no “one size fit all”….

2. I was able to find peace in leaving teaching behind. While there are aspects of teaching and my education classes that I took in undergrad, I am thankful that God called me out of teaching and into ministry. Through these past 2 years, I realized that teaching isn’t my passion.

3. I have a new mind set in regards to doing ministry with others and the importance of giving “hand-up’s” rather than “hand-out’s”

4. I found a passion to work in the neighborhoods and just be present and walk along side the leaders and residents

5. Seminary is the next step for me with a desire to become a chaplain

6. I still have a desire and longing to return to Costa Rica and use my Spanish and know that there will always be questions of “what if” if I don’t return at some point even for a few weeks

7. I am good in administration which I have always been told but I have also learned and realized that I will become burned out if that’s all I do

8. With a top strength being “accomplisher” I realize why I was told by others when I started to look into ministry that I would become burned out and become ineffective in ministry if I keep going at the speed that I am… I give everything 110% but sometimes, you just have to pull back and walk away from something rather than finishing and sometimes, you just need to get completely away to become renewed.

9. Ministry isn’t easy and you can’t fix everything. This has been possibly one of my harder lessons to learn since I like to fix things and help everyone so it breaks me when there is nothing I can do to help but pray.

10. Even through the hardships, ministry is still my passion and each next step is leading me to what ministry looks like for me and I’m learning how to bring my passions/ experiences/ etc together for God’s glory and to accomplish His calling on my life.

11. One more just for fun… I’ve learned to be flexible and learned to survive lots and lots of meetings ;)

I can't see the end but going to endure...

Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.  ~Hebrews 10:36

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. ~2 Timothy 4:7

I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit warns me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace. ~Acts 20: 23-24

We often wonder why thousands of marathoners or athletes in general seem to enjoy “punishing” themselves in intense races. Certainly, for most, it’s not the hope or desire of winning. So then what is it? The real joy in racing is just finishing the contest with yourself- doing what you have set out to do and accomplish.

What are your faith-race goals or in other words, what do you desire to see happen in your neighborhood or around you that you are apart of leading right now?

Effective leaders accomplish seemingly impossible tasks because they never give up just as an athlete won’t give up until they see the finish line. Despite mounting criticism, intense opposition, and overwhelming obstacles, they persevere with determined resolve because they have a goal in mind and have a desire to see the finish line and to finish the race that they are “running”. They refuse to quit and give up.

However, often, the easiest thing would be to quit and just give up. Forget about one's dream and goals and return to the comfort and convenience of mediocrity. Give in to the words of the critics, give up to the opposition, and give way to the obstacles. Simply just run away from what’s in front of us since sometimes we can’t see the finish line but we know it’s there somewhere.

In running a race, your body begins to tell you after the first mile or two that it’s tired and can’t go any further yet your mind may be telling you to continue to persevere since you have hopefully trained for the race you are running and you can do it. With the finish line in mind, you trick yourself into gaining more energy and determination to not quit and to keep pushing forward until you reach your destination, the finish line.

Great power is embodied in persistence. The race is not always won by the fastest, nor the game by the strongest, but rather by the one who keeps on keeping on, who refuses to give up.

It is always too soon to quit. One of the most powerful and destructive tools that Satan has in his arsenal is discouragement, the subtle but dangerous compulsion to give up, to quit, saying, "What's the use?" When looking around and seeing all that is going on, it’s easy to get discouraged and ask “what’s the use” but then we are reminded of the Hope that we have in Christ and the hope that He has for all of us, the neighborhoods, the residents, etc. To me, that’s a part of Celebration of Hope, to go beyond the paint and to bring back Hope to those that may have found themselves at a point of quitting the race and to give each one of you the tools needed to continue persevering and running the race by letting you know that you’re not alone but have others running along side you to help get you to the finish line.

I know in running a race, I always do better when I can find someone to match my pace with or when I have a buddy running with me. It’s then that I have someone to lean on and remind me to keep pushing on and not to give up when things get tough and it’s my hope that you can find that coming to these meetings, seeing and hearing each others stories, and so forth is that encouragement to keep running the race you are running and to know that you’re not in the race alone and that the finish line for this phase of life’s journey is somewhere in the distance that we will eventually cross over… You will finish the race, you may not be able to see the finish line or the end at this moment but through endurance and perseverance, you will get there.

When you are tempted to quit: resist. We must endure in the battle until the evil day is over. We must press on in the face of the temptation to quit. Until the war is over, we must fight to the end. Until the race is finished, we must keep running. Until the wall is built, we must keep stacking bricks. Never give up. Never. The promises of God are always at the end and with us always!

Waves of Life

Peter, suddenly bold, said, “Master, if it’s really you, call me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come ahead.” Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, “Master, save me!” Jesus didn’t hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, “Faint-heart, what got into you?” ~Matthew 14: 28-31

Have you ever found yourself in Peter’s position, having the courage to step out of the boat but then run into a bump in the road and get scared and start sinking? Yeah, right now that’s who I relate to the most! I have been in full time ministry since August 2013 and my US-2 assignment is slowly coming to an end. While I have been accepted into seminary and I feel like this is the right next step to take, I have constantly found myself in Peter’s position.

I said yes to seminary when if you have known me for awhile, you would know that I was adamant about never going to seminary since that wasn’t the right path for me. But, when I felt like God placed it on my heart and started looking into seminaries, I said yes. Much like Peter, if God said “Come ahead” and “go” then I would get out of the boat and do something that I never thought I would previously do. So, I felt God saying “go” and “come ahead”. That was the easy part!

So, I applied for seminary and got accepted yet since I told the school that I would be attending full time in the fall, I have found myself being hit with wave after wave (waves of scholarships not being completed as quickly as I had hoped, the waves of not qualifying for other scholarships, the waves of recommendation questions not applying to the person who is completing the recommendation form or questions for me, the waves of financial questions, the waves of doubts, and the list could go on and on). I have found myself doubting that God will provide and that I will truly be able to fulfill this next step into seminary. I am Peter.

But after all the waves subside for a time being, I find myself back at a place where I am trusting God and know that seminary is the right next step but the peace doesn’t last forever since I’ve realized that there is always another “wave” waiting to show up and hit me. It’s in the moments of the waves that I question God on the path that I feel He has called me down and to take and at those moments, just need a small glimpse that everything will work out (whether it be from confirmation from others on the path I am taking, reassurance that God will provide, a call from the financial aid department guiding me through the financial aid process, etc)…

Sometimes, we just need that quick glimpse of reassurance to get through the waves. While I wish I could make it through and follow this path without all the waves and without doubting God as much as I have these past few months, I realize that I am human and I will always encounter waves but can’t loose sight of God and His provision for my life.

At the end of the passage, Jesus asks Peter “what got into you” or in other versions “why did you doubt?” That’s a question that I don’t have a good answer for since I have seen God provide time and time again and yet I still have doubts show up. It’s the reality that I see something in front of me that I can’t control and I can’t provide. I realize that there is only so much that I can do and then have to leave the rest up to God but that can at times come with challenges. However, if I don’t give the rest over to God after I have done all that I can do, then I will find myself in a cycle of waves that end up drowning me and turn me from the path that God has for me.

So, what are the waves in your life and are you going to reach out to God in the midst of those waves or are you going to allow the waves to consume you and possibly turn you from the direction God wants you to go? It’s not easy but I strive to stay in the direction that God has for me but as I have stated, I have found myself in the waves and in the storms but the small glimpses of reassurance have kept me going and pushing through the waves and reaching out to God’s hand to save me!